Things Konoha Genin are not Allowed to do
by jgkitarel
Summary: A series of things that Konoha's genin are not allowed to do in order of teams. Now, a blast from the past! The one! The only! Team Minato!
1. Team Seven

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, nor did I create it. Blame Kishimoto.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

Team Seven

Naruto, you are not longer allowed to hogtie Tora and hold it above an open fire.

The same goes to you as well Sasuke.

Provoking Kakashi to use his Raikiri in the hot springs is not a good idea.

Sakura, while the Hokage appreciates you trying to help Naruto, setting him up on blind dates with the following kunoichi is now prohibited: Anko Mitarashi, Uzuki Yuugao, Shizune, or anyone the rank of chuunin or higher.

Naruto, quit encouraging Lee and Gai to increase their 'Flames of Youth.' It took two hours to put out that fire.

Quit encouraging Naruto in doing the aforementioned, Kakashi.

Sasuke, quit trying to convince academy students to help you with killing Itachi.

The _Oiroke no Jutsu_ is hereby labeled a Forbidden Technique, the med-nins are running out of blood for the transfusions.

Naruto, you will not turn the Hokage Monument into a giant advertisement for the _Icha Icha_ book series.

Especially if Jiraya and Kakashi think it's a good idea.

Naruto, Ibiki would like to have a talk with you about how you managed to have his clothes turn psychedelic colors during an interrogation.

Edited pictures of various shinobi and kunoichi in compromising positions being placed on walls as posters will not happen again, Naruto.

Tsunade does not have the secret to burning eternal youth, Sasuke, so quit trying to encourage Gai and Lee to discover her secrets to brighten their flames of youth.

Sakura, quit trying to put in mission requests to force the rest of Sasuke's fan girls into arranged marriages.

Requesting the elders to do the same is also prohibited.

Naruto, you wouldn't know why the Hyuuga clan elders were found naked on top of the Hokage monument, would you.

Sasuke is no longer allowed on the Nara properties.

Neither is Naruto, the deer were traumatized enough.

Sasuke, neither you nor Naruto are allowed to associate with Genma ever again. One man-whore in Konoha is enough.

Sakura, quit encouraging Sasuke to learn seduction tips from Genma.

The same goes for you Kakashi.

Naruto, the proper solution to any problem is not ramen.

Naruto, quit persuading Konohamaru to pull pranks on the Hyuuga family.

Can one of you explain how the Inuzuka Compound smelled like perfume, with all of its inhabitants having pink hair and fur, and all of them breathing fire?

Naruto, the _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ is not to be used under the following circumstances: picking up girls, convincing academy students that they should campaign for you to become Hokage, impersonating the village council…

Explosive tags are not meant to be used for home decorating, gardening, or capturing Tora.

Naruto, quit telling academy students that you are a big badass demon lord looking for cultist worshippers.

Alcoholic beverages and _Katon Jutsu_ are no longer allowed together, Sasuke.

Naruto, can you explain why the entire interior of ANBU Headquarters is now orange?

By the way, how did you find where it is in the first place? Its' location is classified for a reason.

Naruto, any idea which makes you smile and giggle for more than fifteen seconds is not to be done.

Naruto, using the _Oiroke no Jutsu_ and dressing the part of a flighty girl is not allowed.

Using the _Oiroke no Jutsu_ and stripping is not to be done during a mission against enemy nins.

Even though it worked.

Kakashi, can you explain why your team was found in a bar frequented by shinobi, roaring drunk, and doing a strip dance?

Team Seven is no longer allowed to partake in alcoholic beverages for the time being.

Neither is Kakashi.

Sakura, while your technique was interesting, don't do it again, the repairs are beginning to cost too much.

No, Naruto, you can't sacrifice Tora to the Kyuubi in order to appease it.

Sasuke, the Aburame Clan elders would like to have a word with you about mixing insecticides with a Katon Jutsu near their properties.

For the three genin on the team, Kakashi is not your sugar-daddy, so quite addressing him as such.


	2. Team Eight

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I can't claim to have created Naruto.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

Team Eight

Hinata, while it is understandable that you would need to practice the use of your Byakugan, please stop staring at Naruto with it, you're beginning to drool more than Akamaru when you do so.

Kurenai, can you explain why Kiba was seen trying to lick his crotch in public.

Shino, threatening academy students with your kikaichu bugs is not acceptable.

No, Akamaru! Stop! Don't pee on that! Bad dog!

Hinata, can you please stop telling all the females between the ages of twelve and twenty about the size of Naruto's "package"? He's been molested fifteen times this week.

No, Hinata, you can't practice you Jyuuken techniques on the girls who molested Naruto. You shouldn't have told them about the size of his package. If you want to molest him yourself, you should have acted earlier.

On the other hand, you are not allowed to molest him, either.

Kiba, you can't kill Naruto because he is better hung than you.

Shino, we aren't going to declare war on other shinobi villages because their genin are annoying brats. _All_ genin are annoying brats, even ours, and you don't see the other villages declaring war on us for that reason.

Kurenai, can you explain why Hinata was found passed out at the hot springs along with half the teenage kunoichi population of Konoha? The nosebleeds were on the scale of Naruto's _Oiroke no Jutsu_.

Shino, threatening to castrate Sasuke in his sleep because he's still moping about his clan's massacre is not nice.

Neither is trying to get Gaara to do it for you.

Kiba, Inoichi would like to have a talk with you about him having seen Akamaru digging up his garden to bury things in it. He has found the following items: three chicken bones, two rubber balls, a mangled doll that looks suspiciously like Naruto…

Hinata, can you tone down the stalking of Naruto? He's beginning to get paranoid about being watched when he can't prove he is.

Kurenai, banning _Icha Icha Paradise_ will not happen. If we did so, the male shinobi would mutiny.

Shino, Hinata has forgiven Neji for the Chuunin Exams, so quit having your bugs crawl around his room at odd times of the night.

Kiba, giving Lee sake in order to beat Neji like a drum will not happen again.

In fact, you are not allowed to possess sake save for strictly controlled circumstances left up to your mother's judgment, Kiba.

Hinata, putting a contract on heads of the elders of your clan is not acceptable. Yes, we know it was you.

Even though it was under your father's name. He was quite miffed about you trying it before he could.

Kiba, you aren't allowed to try and make Tora a chew toy for Akamaru.

Kiba, restrain your dog! That's the fourth stack of important paperwork he's chewed on this week.

Kurenai, we need to have a talk about why Shino has his bugs all throughout the Hokage Tower.

Hinata, can you please refrain from trying to assault the ambassador from Kumo? We understand that you had a bad experience with the last one, but please wait until they try something first.

Kiba, asking a girl her name so you can "howl it at the moon" is lame. Quit doing it.


	3. Team Ten

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Naruto.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

Team Ten

Ino, can you explain why Neji was acting like a six year old girl?

Shikamaru, using your shadows for various things, while innovative, can't be done for everything.

Choji, can you explain why Shushuya billed the Sarutobi household for over fifteen thousand ryo in food?

Don't do it, even if Asuma says it's okay.

Ino, quit addressing Asuma as by the name Pimpmaster. We have already had enough pedophilia complaints because of Team Seven doing something similar.

You also can't refer to him as 'Snuggle Bear' or 'Huggy Bear'.

Choji, you can't barbecue Tora to see if he tastes good.

Ino, while taking over Jiraya's mind and making him act like a boy obsessed teenage girl was entertaining, don't make him dress as one. We didn't need to see that, and the alcohol needed to forget it get's expensive after awhile.

Asuma, can you explain why Shikamaru was being chased through Konoha, half naked, by Gaara and Kankuro?

Shikamaru, we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from doing lewd shadow puppets on the Hokage monument.

Ino, you can't take over the minds of any male who's offended you and make them act like they're gender confused. Especially since Naruto continued it for a week afterward, and did a good job.

Especially since we know you made a bet with him that he couldn't do it.

Shikamaru, challenging Temari to strip shogi should be done in a private location, not in public.

Ino, just because Hinata told you how well endowed Naruto is does not mean you should molest him, or castrate him because he is larger than Sasuke in that regard.

Choji, when practicing your clan's techniques, please refrain from doing it near any inhabited areas. We _needed_ that building.

None of you will bet that Asuma can shave with his trench knives again.

Yes, he'll be out of the hospital shortly, and with no scars.

Ino, you are not allowed to flirt with attractive clients, that was the fourth one Asuma had to kill in order to keep you from being molested.

You are also not allowed to flirt with, seduce, entice, or tease Naruto any more, he's confused enough about females as it is.

You deserved to have Naruto turn the tables on you like that Ino.

Choji, just because it says all you can eat, doesn't mean you can close a restaurant for a week due to lack of food.

Shikamaru, can you explain why Neji was doing a strip dance in front of Anko during kunoichi night at the _Drunken Shinobi_?

No, we will not put out contracts to assassinate Tora, so quit asking us.

Ino, we will not try to have Kakashi and Anko put into an arranged marriage so that they can produce prodigy babies.

Shikamaru, even though Ino annoys you, having her do a strip dance in front of the Hokage with your _Kagemane no Jutsu_ is not allowed.

Ino, you will not have Shikamaru dress in drag and walk into a gay bar singing 'I'm So Pretty' again.

Asuma, if your team has enough time to cause this kind of trouble, then you are not training them hard enough.

Ino, quit flirting with Genma. Just because he's a man-whore doesn't mean he will cross that line.

Ino, don't reply to Orochimaru's statement of "You would be surprised at what I can do with my toungue." With, "Hmm, tempting."

Shikamaru, persuading Gai and Lee to change into tight fitting shorts and sing 'Macho, Macho Man' was not amusing.

Neither was joining them in that event, Choji.

Ino, you are not allowed to associate with Anko Mitarashi again.


	4. Team Gai

Disclaimer: Can someone tell me why a lawyer came to me in order to tell me to drop my claims to Naruto? This is the fourth time today, and I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. I don't own it.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

Team Gai

Neji, your hitai-ate is supposed to have the leaf symbol on it, not Pwn Ma73r, change it back.

Tenten, people are beginning to wonder about your uses of weapons after they saw you pull them from some rather unorthodox places. Wait, is that kunai _vibrating_?!

Lee, you will not tell students about the Flames of Youth again. We already have the Konohamaru Corps causing enough havoc from Naruto's influence.

While we applaud your skills at psychological warfare, Neji, you will never again tell academy students about fate, destiny, and how they're linked to their pitiful n00b skillz. Where the hell do you get these words from, anyway?

Tenten, you will not reply to what Neji says with "Jawol mein Fuher!"

Don't ask Lee, we don't want to go there.

Gai, can you explain why Tenten was holding a drunken rave in the Forest of Death?

Can you also explain why all the attendees, including Tenten, had all of their clothing gone, and cut to ribbons which thus decorated said party?

Because of that, Naruto is now getting molested even more often by women in the village.

No Lee, you will not challenge Neji to see who the true Lord of the Dance is.

Lee, can you explain how you managed to acquire alcohol when everyone in the village was expressly forbidden to provide you any?

Neji, the Byakugan is not to be used to peep on the women's baths, especially when the most attractive kunoichi are there.

You deserved to get pounded, skewered, maimed, broken, and abused like that Neji.

Lee, setting yourself on fire to see how brightly your Flames of Youth burn will not happen again.

Don't encourage him Gai.

No, Tenten, you can't use Tora as a practice dummy for your weapons.

Neither can you use the cat to practice your Jyuuken on, Neji.

Neji, quit telling Genma that you know more erogenous zones on a woman's body than him.

No, Lee, just…no.

Tenten, can you explain why you were found, naked, surrounded by chocolate covered weapons, in Naruto's apartment?

Tenten is another genin who is not allowed to associate with Anko Mitarashi.

Neji, we are beginning to wonder if your ego is for compensating for any possible lacking attributes you may have. It's the only explanation.

Don't even think about it, Lee.

Team Gai will not teach at the academy when any of the chuunin are sick. It took the instructors three weeks to get those kids back to normal.

Tenten, you will not play fetch with the Inuzuka Clan's dogs with kunai, even if they were blunted.

Gai, you and Lee will not do that man hug in the presence of diplomats from other hidden villages again.

Tenten, change back to what you wore beforehand, and put the dominatrix outfit away.

Why are you wearing a bridle, Neji?

Put the squirrel down Lee.

Neji, you will not try to put an assassination contact out on the Main Branch family elders, even if Hinata and Hanabi were the ones originally behind the idea.


	5. Team Minato

Disclaimer: Can someone tell me why a lawyer came to me in order to tell me to drop my claims to Naruto? This is the fourth time today, and I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. I don't own it.

AN: Well, now that I've covered the main genin teams so far, I have decided to go into the past and show what other teams in the past have been banned from doing.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

Team Minato

Kakashi, can you explain why Obito was found hanging upside down and naked from the Hokage Monument?

Rin, the solution to your problems with Jiraya's peeping is not to shout out "Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!" and proceed to sic Kuromaru on him. Even if Tsume worked with you on it.

You also won't encourage Tsume to do the same on her own, or any other Inuzuka female

Obito, quit trying to mix _Katon Jutsu_ and explosive tags in your attempts to beat Kakashi. The last experiment you tried destroyed Training Area Twelve.

For both you and Kakashi, you will not set Gai on fire to see how brightly his Flames of Youth burn again. Even if, no, _especially_ if he thinks it's a good idea.

Minato, can you explain why both Kakashi and Obito were found in a gay bar dressed in drag with a smug Rin standing right outside it? On the other hand, we don't want to know.

Obito, teaching academy students the hand signs for 'The Hyuuga's need to pull those sticks out of their asses," is not acceptable.

Kakashi, having stealing Kushina's undergarments and placing them on a sleeping Minato will not be continued. No matter how amusing you may find it.

Yes, we know it was you, and she would like to have a word with you about that.

You deserved to be hung upside down, naked, from the Hokage Monument, Kakashi.

Obito, the excuse "Sorry I was late. Orochimaru was trying to turn me into an okama and make me his uke," will not be used again.

Drugging Orochimaru to find out if he is indeed male will not be done again, Kakashi.

Rin, what is it with you and dressing your team mates in drag?

Obito, you will not tell Rin she has a thing for okama, loudly, in public, or in front of clients. We already get enough complaints about sexual deviancy as it is. Better yet, you will not tell her at all ever again.

You also will not say that Orochimaru has a shota fetish, or a futanari fetish. Minato, what is it with your student's obsession with such things?

Put the puppy down, Rin.

Obito, you will not stand around and shouting and placing bets when Anko gets into a catfight with Rin.

You won't use _Suiton Jutsu_ to turn it into a mud fight, either. We're talking to _you_, Kakashi.

No, you can't shove a _Doryuheki_ up a client's ass. We don't care _how_ annoying he is, Rin.

Rin, medical techniques were not meant to be used that way, and quit threatening Jiraya with a sex change if he doesn't stop his peeping. If Tsunade couldn't manage to stop him, what makes _you_ think you can.

Obito, the excuse, "I got drunk last night and somehow ended up spending the night with Anko," would be believable if we didn't already know that… Wait, that _actually happened?!_

Obito Uchiha is not allowed to consume or purchase alcohol.

Neither is the rest of Team Minato, including Minato.

Kakashi, you will not graffiti "I am t3h pwnage d00d. u n00bz r t3h suXX0rz!" on ANBU Headquarters.

Obito, slipping porn into your mission reports before you hand them to the chuunin at the desk is not funny. It's hard enough to get Shikaku to work as it is.

Kakashi, the Nara Clan does not find it amusing for you to claim the darkness is coming every time they use any of their clan techniques.

Rin, you will not have any Nara put Kakashi in a modified _Kage Shibari_ again. Especially if you dressed him in drag beforehand, _again_.

Minato, once again, what is it with Rin and dressing her team mates up in drag? We're beginning to wonder if the allegations of her having a thing for okama are true.


	6. The Sannin

Disclaimer: Can someone tell me why a lawyer came to me in order to tell me to drop my claims to Naruto? This is the fourth time today, and I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. I don't own it.

AN: Well, now that I've covered the main genin teams so far, I have decided to go into the past and show what other teams in the past have been banned from doing.

Things Konoha Genin Teams are Not Allowed to Do

The Sannin

Listen up you three, we don't _care_ if Hanzo declared you the Sannin, you won't paint your faces on the Hokage Monument, with you _names_ added. Yes, we know it was you, now clean it _off_!

There is no pwnage no jutsu, Orochimaru, so quit shouting it out during battle.

No, Tsunade, you can't give Jiraya a sex change, no matter how much he irritates you.

Jiraya, quit peeping on Tsunade. We can only hold her back for so long before she _does_ carry out her threat.

Orochimaru, 'You would be surprised at what my snakes can do with their tongues,' is _not_ an appropriate pickup line.

The same applies to you and your toads, Jiraya.

Sarutobi, it has come to our attention that your students were found passed out, with copious bottles of sake in their possession. While this does happen to genin teams, the fact that Tsunade was naked, Jiraya was in a girl's yukata, and Orochimaru was suspended from a tree with his rear end visible for all to see. They were found like this _in public_. It makes us wonder if you can keep your students under control.

Jiraya, Tsunade, and Orochimaru are not allowed to purchase alcohol.

Flirting with the Uchiha women will not make them take the handcuffs off, Orochimaru.

Neither will flirting with the men Tsunade. Also, don't flash them because you're better developed than your peers.

Jiraya, doing a strip dance in front of the Uchihas to get your teammates out of that will not happen again. It took three hours to clean up the vomit from the men.

The women molesting you like that, was your own fault, Jiraya.

While we appreciate the skill it took to break into ANBU headquarters, return their uniforms and masks. They need them to do their jobs.

Orochimaru, you will not hang academy students above Manda's open mouth just because they annoyed you.

Can one of you explain why, when he woke up, the Hokage found himself with blue hair, in a woman's yukata, and wearing a makeup job fit for a geisha?

You can't blame another team when you get caught in the act Jiraya.

Tsunade, when you run after Jiraya trying to give him certain piercings and catch him, _don't try to carry it out in public_!

We don't want to know why you did it, just clean up the mess and make sure it doesn't happen again Orochimaru.

Having detailed conversations about how to remove an enemy nin's organs is not a proper conversation topic to have in front of academy students.

No Jiraya, we will _not_ change the kunoichi uniform to leather and stiletto heels.

You will not walk around the village in the aforementioned articles of clothing, either, Orochimaru. We don't _care_ if it was for a bet.

Painting pornographic images on the Hokage monument is not funny, Jiraya.


End file.
